Thursday, September 21, 2017

i feel

I've got a tattoo on my foot that reads "sento"
It came from the hands of an italian woman in an irish parlor
we laughed as I cried at the pain
after all, sento means "I feel"
she wrapped my foot in plastic and we smoked a joint and went dancing
just before I caught my flight back to the states

I came across the word in a small workshop in Florence
the artist had it printed on her jewelry
I asked her what it meant
'I feel' she said,
as she explained how that word embodied so many things-
a sense of freedom and fullness

anyone who knows me well, will tell you I need no help with this
'She came out of the womb with that word on her foot', they'd say

feeling is something I have always done fully
concealing has never been my specialty
'let it be' is not the course of action i usually take

I'm a mover, I'm a shaker
I like to feel all the feelings 
and leave no stone unturned
I'm not one to back down 

and it's fine until the tough things start to kick in
the confusion, the doubt, the loneliness, the vulnerability
because then I want to immediately resolve it
then I do something rash

I start acting out of self preservation
I have the conversation prematurely
Tears fall as I revert to worst case scenario-
the world is closing in on me
doubt is the only sound I can hear
and then I regret it all

this is when my feelings don't give me freedom and they don't make me full

they steal happiness 
and they make me heavy
repelling all of my self that i love so much
my laughter, my freeness, my lightness

they make me easy during the good times
and more than challenging during the bad

can someone else see past that much
could they love me that fully

i tell myself yes, then I wonder if the answer is really no


Wednesday, January 18, 2017

I must make sure that I am in a good state. So often I feel rushed- 
on the scout for my next binge, the next thing to stimulate my senses- 
that I cannot simply live... 
To go slowly through life, living in the present,
leaning into the idea that the only thing I control is the way I respond-
that is what I would like for myself. 
How much of my reality is shaped by perceptions and expectations? 
As Bernd put it- "If you miss the train because you were reading a book- 
well it must have been a really good book"

-excerpt from my backpacking journal on 9.2.16

Friday, January 6, 2017

As old as Woe
How old is that?
Some Eighteen thousand years

As old as Bliss, Joy
How old is that?
They are of equal years

Together chiefly they are found
But tho seldom side by side

From neither of them tho' he try
May Human Nature hide

-Emily Dickinson

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