I only deepen the wound of the world when I neglect to give thanks 

for early light dappled through leaves and the heavy perfume of wild roses 

in early July and the song of crickets on humid nights and the rivers 

that run and the stars that rise and the rain that falls and 

all the good things that a good God gives.

| Ann Voskamp |

This season has been one of thanks. There's been lots of good and there's been lots of learning, and I am filled with thankfulness for it all. Thankful for all that God has been doing, thankful for seeing His hands in everything. Thankful for being given open eyes and an open heart that wants to seek Him. Thankful for wanting to be present in life. Thankful that even though it's been a long past couple of years and in spite of everything that has happened, God has brought me here, to this place, in this moment, where I can see that it wasn't for nothing and that there is a purpose behind it all.  

An Ode to the Ache

"Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage"

To anyone and everyone who has ever shared their story with me, this is to you.

At 21, I have seen and felt more hurt and loss than I thought I would have. But the older I get and the more people I meet, I appreciate the strength of the human spirit more than ever. I am amazed at how much we are able to overcome. Hurt and loss that should not have to face, but that we do face and then go on to operate as seemingly whole hearted beings in a world that does not allow us to do so. But at the end of the day, what breaks my heart and what stands out the most is the need that we feel to be so strong during the times of hurt and loss. We all know and have felt these things, yet we do not want anyone to see our weakness in the midst of them. We close up and walk tall as if everything were as it should be, all the while we are coming apart on the inside.

In thinking about all of this, one particular experience from a couple years ago always resonates with me. I was a few months into what felt like a ridiculously long time of loss and hurt, when a mentor that I had in high school reached out to reconnect with me. I met with her and when she asked what was going on, I candidly told her everything, as if I was talking with her about the weather. I didn't need her pity and I was doing just fine accepting that sometimes shit happens. It wasn't even a second after I finished speaking that she gave me a hug and then looked me straight in the eyes and reassured me that I did not have to be "okay". She gave me permission to grieve and to be angry and to face all of it for what it was. I don't think it was until that moment that I gave myself permission to grieve and be upset about the things that were happening in my life. I will always be thankful for that meeting we shared.

To the person who is still hurting, you do not have to be strong. True strength comes as a product of experience and is not self imposed. To be strong in the midst of hurt is to be numb, and there is not life on the other side of that. You are not alone. There are many things in life that we have to face alone, and grief is not one of them. We all have experienced too much of it to not be able to lend a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen. There is a season for everything and sometimes the season is sad and painful, but better and brighter ones will come.

To the close friend or the relative or the loved one; show up. It feels uncomfortable and comes with a long list of doubts... "I don't know what to say.",:What if I'm smothering them?", "What if they want to be left alone?" The list goes on, and despite how insignificant you think you are, it took less than a minute for someone that I hadn't talked to in months to help me more than any counselor could. I'm not sure that we realize how much weight our actions carry and the potential benefit they mean for those around us.

The point I'm meaning to make is that we must not mistake grieving for weakness and strength for numbness.  In order to properly grieve and in order to properly support the grieving, we have to let ourselves be seen by those that we love. We have to get comfortable with vulnerability and trust those closest to us, whether it is with our truths or with our help. In the words of Brene Brown, vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage.

To the handful (okay, probably more like two handfuls) of you that have inspired this entry, know how thankful I am for you.You are the bravest people I know, with more strength than I knew was possible. You have helped me get through things that were by no means easy. You listened to me tell you about the not so easy things and helped me work through them. You opened yourself up to be honest and vulnerable with me. You trusted me to know your hurts and your losses. You inspire me to cherish human connection and embrace vulnerability everyday and you will always have a very special place in my life and my heart.

The New Year

"These are whole-hearted people, living from this deep sense of worthiness. 

These folks had, very simply, the courage to be imperfect. 

They had the compassion to be kind to themselves first and then to others, 

because, as it turns out, we can't practice compassion with other people if we can't treat ourselves kindly. 

And the last was they had connection, and this was the hard part 

as a result of authenticity, they were willing to let go of who they thought they should be in order to be who they were"

//

My last semester of college starts in two weeks and what a journey it has been.

The nostalgia has opened my eyes to evaluate it all.

There's been lots of good and there's been lots of bad, but thankfully my regrets are few.

I wish I had loved the people in my life better.

I wish I had loved myself better.

But most of all I am filled with so much thanks. 

Thankful for the people that have been put in my life

Thankful for learning that it's okay to not have it all figured out

Thankful for the grace I received among all of my mistakes

Thankful for all that I have learned about myself through those mistakes

and the thing is, there is not one wish or one regret that I have that has not taught me something. 

Not loving the people in my life as well as I could have showed me how valuable it is to treasure your friends and your family and how terrible it is to push those people away. 

Not loving myself showed me how important it is to be patient and gracious with yourself so that you can be patient and gracious to others, because without that it is a miserable existence. 

 I look forward to what this last semester holds and the fresh perspective that I have gained.
I look forward to staying in more nights.
I look forward to finding ways to show the people in my life how much they mean to me.
I look forward to finding the courage to be true to myself, to be authentic.
In the words of Brene Brown, I look forward to learning how to let go of who I think I should be to be who I am


And today, I am thankful for the regrets, for the lessons, and for the looking forward to's

Cheers to the New Year!

The Powerful Play

What’s the only thing in Heaven that’s the same as it is on earth?

 The wounds in Jesus’ hands and feet

//

Easter weekend I was able to see the film adaptation of the book, "Heaven is for Real". I was not particularly interested in seeing the movie, but that day I walked out of the theater asking myself 

"is Heaven for real?"

If I really believed in Heaven, then my current approach to life was going to need some serious rearranging. 

God doesn't care about whether or not I have a prestigious job, 

how well I am liked among my peers, 

how "good" of a church member I am, 

how much money I make. 

Everything that I  am told to attain, God could care less about. 

So is Heaven for real? Because if it is, then all of these mile markers I have for myself seem pretty useless. My job is not going to get me into Heaven, my faith is. And what does that even mean- "my faith"? My faith in Jesus? My belief that He is God and He is in control? That's not looking so strong considering that I consistently freak out when all of the little things in my life go the least bit wrong...but I know I am a Christian and that I love Jesus. I know that I do. I think I am so used to giving the sunday school answer about Christianity to myself and others that I have forgotten what they really mean. 

If Heaven is real, then that is what I should be working towards- not my education, not where I want to live, not trying to lose weight, not even trying to make friends because none of that is going to help me get there. 

Deep breath, wide eyes... 

What am I doing then, God? 

Because everyone else seems to think that all of these things are pretty damn important. 

They are important. 

It's important to be engaged in the world. 

It's important because it gives you experiences that teach you about yourself, 

teach you about God, 

and teach you about why you need Him. 

It's important because without all of these different interactions you would not have the exposure to all of the people that you are now able to call your friends. 

It's important because it gives you a chance to care about people and care about their souls. 

It's important because it ultimately gives you the chance to impact the maximum amount of people for the better. 

I think the problem is when I focus on the little things and that's when I forget about Heaven. 

That is what causes me to ask myself, "Is Heaven for real?". 

This moment, 

today's frustrations, 

tomorrow's expectations-

they are all a chance for us to see God and share His love. 

"The powerful play goes on, that you may contribute a verse..."

I want my verse to be one that makes the next life filled with more people than it otherwise would be. 

The Fight

It's tough. 

Because the struggles are real. The desire is there.

But God is bigger than the struggles and the desires are nothing but a masquerade- 

a lie that the fruit of the tree will be better-

 that God is witholding.

But God is bigger than that lie and He is bigger than the liar it came from

Let me have the strength to believe the truth.

The Simple Things

i want to be a bird & see amazing things & land on comfy clouds 

she says,

& if i were a tree, it'd be a christmas one so i could be bright & beautiful

...i'm just a regular little girl

pop rocks & the park & a pup & some soda pop 

made for a wonderful afternoon with this sweet little nugget.

these days it's been lots of fun little things, peppered with some irresponsibility to make for beautiful times. but the way i see it, is there's gonna come a day, if it hasn't come already, when the mountains we face can't be solved by a plate of cookies, an inapporpriate joke, or singing a song at the top of your lungs, and the mistakes aren't always gonna be so laughable. 

So, I'm treasuring these days when the learning from my living doesn't sting so bad & laughter can be the cure all for my problems. 

embracing some youthful naivety, or you may call it immaturity, knowing there's going to come a time when i'm not going to be able to do that as often. I look forward to those new chapters of life, and for now, am making the most of the one that i'm in.

“Why can't you fly now, mother?"
"Because I am grown up, dearest. When people grow up they forget the way.""Why do they forget the way?""Because they are no longer gay and innocent and heartless. It is only the gay and innocent and heartless who can fly.”

peter pan

The Smoke

"when everything you know seems so untrue

when I'm lost in a place that I thought I knew 

give me some way that I might find you"

chaos, confusion

they race through like wildfire in the house of my mind,

clouded by the smoke,

ashes of it beneath my feet

bring water to quench these flames

time to clear this haze

to the carpenter from the cross, 

rebuild your house

The Purpose

"I am just here to love and the rest will come with time"

...because I wasn't created to have a social network. I wasn't created to go to events. I wasn't created to have the latest clothes. I wasn't created to eat good meals. I wasn't created to have nice things. I wasn't created to go to church or even the mountains or the ocean. I wasn't created to go to college, get a degree and make loads of money. I wasn't created to get married and have cute kids and live in a cute house.

I was created for Jesus. To love Him and love His people and that is all. 

So next time I'm wondering why I feel empty, and why I don't I have all that I think I need, maybe it's because that's not what I was created for. I was never supposed to have or do all of that. None of those things are in any close proximity to my purpose.

Blessed to have these things, yes. 

But necessary?

essential for a full life?

no

All that I need. 

ALL that I need, 

resides in the temple that has been built in my heart. 

And that is it. and that is real. and that is where life, purpose is to be found.
Not in the gifts that God gives us, but in God Himself.

The Soul Book

people

people everywhere

big . little . young . old

happy . sad . hurt

stories

stories everywhere . from everyone

beneath the surface of the skin is the novel of the soul

if i had the eyes to see, to read yours,
then maybe I could love,
maybe i could understand, 

maybe i could shake this apathy that consumes me

if there are souls hurting then why am i not helping

why am i acting as if i know your soul story to be good

why am i not loving,
wastefully loving everyone around

sometimes i think it's not the hurting that need the most help,
it's ME

a cure for apathy,
that would fix more than a doctor ever could

Lord, cure me

give me eyes . give me ears . give me understanding

to be consumed in the novels of the souls that surround me

The Conference

breathe in|breathe out

city lights and busy streets

mmm its the urban oasis

Passion.
No, not Passion, but God.
We tend to forget the moving power behind these conferences we go to,
giving all of the glory to a conference instead of the Lord.

Anywho, I can't believe I haven't written about it yet. 

It wasn't near as emotional as I had expected it to be, instead very substantial. I can confidently say that the Lord used every single aspect of those 3 days to change my life. 

Doubt eradicated. Identity and purpose established. Friendships made stronger. 

so thankful that I was blessed with the oppurtunity to start the semester in that way.

While there however, I felt that the Lord was putting it on my heart to pursue participating in Youth With a Mission during my spring semester of 2013. Still praying and in the application process. The Lord still has alot of doors to open; I will have to get accepted into the porgram and approved by Auburn to have my scholarship put on hold so I won't lose any scholarships by taking the semester to do this. I'd be doing 3 months of training and 2 months of missions work overseas. Again, if this is where the Lord wants me, He will open those doors and if not He will shut them. Just the experience of saying yes to what I feel Him calling me to do has been fruitful in and of itself. 

Into my first semester, the Lord is teaching me how to glorify Him in the everyday environment- showing me that where I am right now is exactly where I am supposed to be. I can glorify Him just as much as I could halfway around the world. He has already blessed me with some amazing encounters with others and I know He will continue to do so.

He's on the move, no doubt and I'm so excited to see what He is going to do this semester.

The Power

I believe in the LORD

maker of Heaven and earth

YAHWEH

my God spoke creation into existence

He destroys cities by Heavenly fire

He makes walls crumble and seas divide

He brings dead to life

even the touch of His cloak brings healing

so do not doubt

my God is more than able to do anything i could possibly imagine

He is doing something in me far greater than i could ever imagine

He is doing something in you far greater than you could ever imagine

| let this doubt in my heart be dead |

The Damns Given

what do i want?
approval.

who do i need to be?

ive tried

ill be anything

| no |

not anything

me

| just me | 

| no |

not just me

me !

don't hold back

my mind may be at the top but my soul is at the center

it's time to let it speak

The Thanks

Here I sit,
on a lovely bench under a tree with falling leaves,
with cobblestones under my feet and a sun painted all shades of orange setting behind me.
I can hear the squirrels romp through the leaves around me.

If there's one thing this semester has taught me, it is this:
I live immersed in beauty every day.

Sometimes I must do more searching to see the beauty,
but it is there all the same.

Thanksgiving is not a day.
It is not just Thursday, November 24.
If thanksgiving were that, just a day- how bland life would be.
How many blessings around us would go unnoticed if it was constrained to 24 of the 8,760 hours we are given each year?

No- Thanksgiving is a posture in which I am to live.
It is the final article I must clothe myself in daily.
It is the lens through which I am allowed to see beauty,
to see the blessings the Lord surrounds me with.
Without thanksgiving, the beauty is drawn out of our lives.
Our selfishness,
our dissatisfaction with life,
is magnified all the more with this ignorance.

Thanksgiving is the staple.
It is the acknowledgment of all that the Lord chooses to bless us with.
It softens our hearts to His love and opens our eyes to His blessings.

So, during this holiday, I am thankful.
Thankful for home cooked meals.
Thankful for the sweet friends and families that I got to spend time with this week.
Thankful for my own family

And my thanksgiving must not stop here-
in this moment,
in this day,
in this week.

It must continue-
day by day,
moment by moment,
as the Lord opens all of our eyes to the blessings surrounding.

The Years That Go By

 "The years of our life are seventy, or even by reason of strength eighty; yet their span is but toil and trouble; they are soon gone, and we fly away....so teach us to number our days that we may gain a heart of wisdom"

Psalm 90

 The hands of God.
Out of the same hands that bring beautiful autumn trees comes the wild winds that rip them to shreds. Life is fragile.
Time owes us nothing.
We aren't guaranteed another minute, another hour, another day.

Ann Voskamp describes time as a river that rushes through without any regard of travelers passing through. I think if the Lord instilled the reality within all of us that our days truly are numbered,
we'd all live so differently. We'd be so much more intentional about our life. We'd treasure and nurture the relationships in our lives. As a Christian, I would feel the urgency to love on others so much more. I'd be more direct in telling everyone of all that my Lord has done for me. We really aren't promised anything. As cliche as this is, we all need to learn to live as if tomorrow wasn't there. And if we are honest, it's not. We don't know what the future holds, but we stroll through life as if we do. If I live to be 60, I don't want to wake up and realize that I've wasted 21,900 days of my life with meaningless tasks and unintentional conversations with people I never took the time to deeply care about and a relationship with the Lord that I never tried to tell others about. Even just with college. Time is fragile, and this is such a vital time to learn from the Lord. Why would I waste that by seeking out selfish desires, so I can learn the same lessons I did in high school 50 more times? Not that I have the ability to choose the higher road, because I don't. But there is a desire to live and grow close to the Lord. Teach me to number my days.