i chose you

i tried to give you warmth,  

wrap you in reassurance,  

speak love in a language

to soothe fears that were never mine to calm

you loved the way i filled the spaces you didn’t want empty,  

the way my warmth made the cold easier to bear.  

you loved the light,  

but you never asked what it cost me to keep burning.  

you reached for me endlessly,  

pulled at my love like it was something to hold you steady,  

never noticing how much it was taking  

for me to keep standing.  

you were drowning in your own pain,  

so desperate to stay afloat  

that you never noticed how much of myself  

i let sink so you could breathe.  

you couldn’t see past your own ache,

couldn’t see how much i was holding,

how much of myself i poured into the empty spaces

you were too afraid to face alone

and no matter how much i gave,  

it was never enough.  

i was never enough.

i was never going to be enough- 

you needed me to give you something 

that only you could give yourself.

i thought so much about your happiness,

and in your pain, that’s all you could think about too.

i didn’t need to occupy your every thought,

to be the object of your affection.

that wasn’t a sign that you loved me more

that you cared more

that you were more in it

it was a sign that you didn’t love yourself enough

to even receive what was being so freely given.

you thought that all of your words- 

your need for me-

was you returning that love back to me

but it was just another way for you to take 

love doesn’t demand to be everything-

the air you breathe,

the ground you stand on,

love wants you to stand on your own- it lets you stand on your own

it wants to be beside you, not above, not beneath, 

not the thing holding you together

not reassurance, wrapped in exhaustion

love does not need to be chased,

to be watched with a careful eye,

love does not make a cage of its arms.

it doesn’t need to consume or claim or own

love is a choice made freely, again and again 

love doesn’t say, you are mine

love says, you are free 

and still, i hope you choose to stay

if given the choice, i would have always chosen to stay.