i never stopped.

 

i loved you. i love you.

fully, wildly, without hesitation.

i loved you at depths i didn’t know existed.

i was never looking for a way out,

never counting the exits,

never waiting for the moment to run.

but you held on like love was slipping,

like it had already begun to unravel,

like if you let go even for a second,

i would disappear.

you trusted the fear more than you trusted me.

trusted the echoes of every goodbye before me,

trusted the ache that told you

love must be gripped with both hands,

or else it would vanish.

but you never had to hold so tight.

i never wanted to leave.

i was always choosing you.

but you were so afraid of losing me

that you never believed i was staying.

maybe you wanted to believe me.

maybe you wanted to loosen your grip.

you did it before.

i thought you could do it again.

all i wanted was freedom,

with you by my side,

our hands intertwined-

not out of fear,

but out of choice.

i wanted you to choose me.

i desperately wanted you to choose me.

but love is not a choice i can make for you,

i have to learn how to let myself be chosen

and i know that’s not a choice you can make right now.

and i feel my own hands tightening,

clinging to the memories of you the way you once clung to me,

desperate to hold on,

afraid of what it means to let go,

to let you go.

but love is not meant to be held like this.

if it is real, if it is ours,

it will find its way back.

so i have to let go.

not because i want to,

but because i must.

when you’re angry,

when you’re hurting,

when it feels like i stopped loving you,

hear me when i say:

i never stopped.

i only started choosing myself, too.

i always loved you.

you didn’t need more of my love-

you needed more of your own.

and i hope, more than anything,

that you find it.

that you learn to love yourself,

you learn to love those bright eyes,

the tender, wounded parts inside of you,

the way i always did.

and if one day, 

that love leads you back to me,

i will open the door.